a dream

I haven't had any dreams, this first month since Alex died but I did last night.In the dream I walked into a luncheonette like the ones that were everywhere when I was a child in the 50's. I walked up to a young man sitting on a stool at the counter. It wasn't Alex, but a familiar face all the same, with a head of light brown curls. He looked like he could have been J's brother if she had one that looked just like her. He resembled the boy from the movie Hearts in Atlantis, a movie and book that Alex and I loved and we were both fans of the actor. In the dream the boy said,"Hi,Felice" and I walked over to him and touched his face and said,"Hi my sweet boy" and kissed his cheek, just like I always did to Alex. In the dream it felt like this boy was my child, though I had never seen him before. Just another lost boy, I guess.

Alex's Room

As we started to take Alex's bed and wheelchair out of his room to give away last night, it started to storm outside. Loud lightnening and thunder and a downpour. It rained all night and continued to rain the next morning, while we loaded the van and an attached trailer with all the things Alex needed for day to day living. Things that the wheelchair recycler will use, without ever knowing Alex.

When we were done I sang Eliahu in the garage, a song sung after Shabbat praising the prophet Elijah, Eliahu was Alex's Hebrew name and he loved to hear it sung. The rain stopped and sun shone. Was it a sign that Alex thought it was ok? (and that he was happy to have some old equipment gone and a cleaner garage) Don't know but its nice to think it was.

When Jen was here she smelled his headrest. It held his scent. All these little goodbyes are sad. I will wait to do his room,just a little longer.

3 weeks

its 3 weeks today,
hard to believe,
still trying,
ok so I knew this was going to happen since Alex was little but never really believed it,
couldn't believe it
i am still shocked and surprised every
morning

Comfort= FRED,JAJ,bicycle,old roseann shows,blog,harry potter

Alex's Blythedale School fund

I've been overwhelmed by the number of people from Wisconsin who have donated to the fund at Blythedale Childrens Hospital in Allie's memory. They are from Fred's work at Capitol Indemnity,from his department and throughout the company. They are also from the parent company Allegheny Insurance and from bankers and brokers etc. Many Fred knows, some just a little. I know the people in his department and his close friends. There are the kindest notes from people who met Alex,most recently at a Brewers game. There are kind notes from people who take a moment to write a personal note, lots of prayer being offered.

My mother in laws network of friends at her over 55 condo have been so kind and a good support to her. They filled her house for two days when we held minyan there. They have send donations to B'dale and to other charities and countless cards. It's an enviable community and I'm glad she has them.

I'm glad that we will be able to do something for the Blythedale School. It was often was a place of refuge and help when we needed it. It provides help for kids and a place where children are not defined by their disability. Thanks to a dedicated teacher there(Ken) Alex finally could read. Thanks to another teacher (Rosemary) Alex fell in love with literature by listening to books on tape.Thanks to an amazing guidance counselor, Alex and his friend Judy were able to take regents exams like every other student in NY. Thanks to all the caring folks there who allowed these kids to feel like any other middle school er or HS student. Thanks to all the folks who have donated so we can give back to Alex's hospital and school.