holidays

I didn't light any Hanukkah candles this year, for the first time since the kids were itty bitty. J said it was because the "rabbi" wasn't there this year and I guess its true. I continued the tradition of decorating and lighting candles and for many years, but not recently, having eight gifts ready for each night. I even left our little china Hanukkah mice that always stood next to the menorahs, in Florida. I didn't have the heart for it I guess, but next year it might be easier.

We watched the 4th season of The Wire,that I bought F for his birthday. Alex loved the show, especially the corner boys, who reminded him of some of the guys who were at Blythedale with him. He would have reminded me that the rapper Method Man was in the show, I noticed his name on the credits. So many thing I see on TV or movies that remind me of Alex. I almost don't know if I want to watch the new season of the Wire,or Rescue Me,or buy the video of the Simpson movie, which I would have done for him. In Florida we watched American Idol and had such fun with it, don't think I'd even be interested without having Alex to debate with and decide who to vote for.

These are the signs of life going on without him and that's the difficult part. I guess keeping Alex with me means thinking about him when I do things he would love or things we shared.

Winter in WI

Its -5 today in Wisconsin, an old fashioned Wisconsin winter the weatherman said. Alex and I had been going to Florida for the winter since we've lived in Wi, to our warm house in Venice,close to the Gulf of Mexico.





This is my first winter in Wisconsin. Alex and I weren't going back this year, I wanted him close to his doctors here.





What a blessing Florida was for the past 3 years. Everything worked so much better in the warm, we could get outside everyday,the chair worked better and Alex's driving hand worked better. It was lonely there sometimes, among the retirees and with F working in Wisconsin and coming every 2 weeks, but I'd remind Alex and myself that living in paradise while WI was iced over wasn't something to complain about.





We went there for Thanksgiving and I cried and cried those first few days, going through what Alex and I had left behind. We didn't leave much, his hospital bed, and the wood box that we decorated with pirate pictures and his beard trimmer. His funny room with the string of plastic tiki heads and surf board lamp.





We had fun when the girls got there, and we had Thanksgiving, and rode bikes in Myakka State Park and did the beach and ate in Sarasota.





In rereading my earlier entries I can how I've change as nearly 5 months have passed. I'm not nearly as angry (whew!) and in not such a rush to write it down and get it out. I am deleting an earlier post that I wrote when I was so sad that I couldn't stand to hear anything about anything. I needed to vent at the time but that time has passed.



I started tutoring and was so pleased to meet Karsten, a very cute first grader,who looks like the little boy from Jerry Maguire. When I asked him about what he liked best he said "lions" so I ordered a copy of "Library Lions" from Amazon, since it seems to be a first grade favorite and I had such fun reading it to some D.C. first grade friends. The program called Schools of Hope aims to improve literacy by using volunteers to read with and to kids. C the director promised to find me another student as well, since I 'd like to do a little more than 30 minutes a week.



So far the winter seems gray and bleak and its early December! I guess I'll have much more time to write....